Punk, Dad, partner, educator, musician, sober.
One million jobs, One million shows, one million lessons.
One million lessons
Always anti-fascist, ACAB, abolish ICE, fund education NOT police, build community NOT prisons, free Palestine, free yourselves, up the punx!
1/25/26 Doing all we can Greetings, True believers! Not a whole lot of personal news to share this month. We made it through the holidays without wigging out, so that’s cool! I had a really swell birthday last weekend. I celebrated by playing 10 hours of Skyrim, doing some shopping for new ‘fits with my love, and with a day of hard work wrapping up a month-long project we’ve been doing with the school’s Black, Brown and Ethnic Student Union, to ultimately share with the school for MLK day. Doing work, chilling out. Eamon is getting close to being done with HS, starting a new fucking RAD band, and thriving. Dez is continuously developing into the smartest and funniest person I know. Skip’s business is really taking off (BOOK WITH HER THE LINK IS ON THE LINKS PAGE) and she’s been able to start taking at least one day off a week again, which is also great. Looking forward to the day when my love can get a little more than just one day per week, for sure. I hit 200 days sober a couple days ago! I’m feeling stronger and more resolute to maintain every day. The hardest part continues to be deeply examining myself, my emotions, or ill behaviors that I historically would use drugs/alcohol/weed to silence or gloss over. Deepening my spiritual practice has helped. As I try to find a true balance between all the aspects of my very busy life, without allowing anxiety over one piece or another to come creeping in to take me out of the present moment. I’ve had to really practice shutting up and slowing down. That is still a struggle, but I think I’m getting better at it. Having folks reach out to check in through these last couple months of being off social media has also been rad! I appreciate ya’ll immensely! This world is isolating, and I am beginning to really see that, at least for me, social media was making me feel more isolated. Like, I know on the surface it is meant to keep folks connected, but that connection rarely goes below the surface level. We’re all just left mindlessly scrolling all the time. No judgement though, for real. Almost everyone needs a (hopefully not too harmful) means of disassociating at times, especially in a reality as grim as this one. I just know that for me personally, I’m glad to be detached from that one. I have begun to see more clearly how the isolation we feel as individuals in American culture really maintains the status quo for the people in power and the people reaping the largest benefits of our labor. It keeps all of us living in our “safe” little bubbles. It tricks us into believing that the problems of our neighbors are only theirs. Or that we can only continue consuming the same way until the world burns down. It makes us believe that there is no real power in collective action because a true collective simply cannot exist. I used to think this way. Sometimes when I listen to stories about what ICE is doing, seeing footage of them abuse people as they rip them from their families, or straight up murder people on the street for resisting, that hopelessness starts to creep back in. To snap myself back into a place of positive action, I have had to continuously evaluate how I am contributing and focus on the small actions I can take to help move the culture in the right direction. To this end, being in education feels super important right now. This is not to say that it isn’t without its issues. Let me first be clear; in speaking here about education, I am not necessarily referring to the overall education system, which is inherently fucked and, in the wrong hands, is still used as a tool to create compliance and place kids on predetermined life paths. The act of educating and being educated (for both children and adults) is still incredibly necessary, now more than ever. A big part of the problem, and one that I know fascists are using to their advantage, is society’s conflation of these two concepts, education as and action and education as a system. The public at large is being led to believe that because the education system is fucked (which it is), that education is also fucked. Narratives are then created by hateful people, to further hateful agendas that ultimately strip people of identity and freedom. The honest histories and the critical thinking skills that forward-thinking educators have been able to inject into their pedagogy is re-framed as indoctrination. Then the fascists are allowed to reform schools into places where their messages and invented histories are woven back into the curriculum. This is making America “great.” While this is all happening, I’m seeing a lot of discourse by “liberal” media outlets maligning the “failures of education” in “liberal” areas of the country. This of course plays right into the hands of the fascists. “Welp, it’s not working. There’s still achievement gaps so we better scrap all the federal and local support and funding that it gets.” From this point, wealthier communities create corporate charter schools (who, even disregarding the issues of student access to more complete education, can also control social narratives in insidious ways), public schools are further gutted, and we end up with an even bigger divide in future generations between wealthy/privileged “intelligence” and an easily controlled compliant worker/servant class. I believe that we need to completely change the stated purpose of education in society if we are going to truly make the education system function for something beyond how it has been functioning, or how the ruling class wants it to function. I think that starts with us educators on the ground. If more of us try to alter the metrics for success within the system, perhaps some movement in the right direction will happen. This is tricky, for sure. We’re up against a monolithic system that is grinding us down and overburdening us with lower funding and rising class size. Us putting in extra time, furthering our own learning, and changing our pedagogy accordingly can absolutely feel like a lot of extra work. It can feel like that machine is winning. We must check our motivations though, and we must recognize the importance of the work. Are we truly doing all we can to make this world better? We can remind ourselves that we do not exist in a bubble. We are not as isolated as they would like us to believe. We are a community that can lean on each other, listen to each other, grow and change, and do better. Our hard work will not be for nothing. Kids are asking, WHY DO I NEED TO LEARN? What are we telling them in response? Is it to become successful in business and higher levels of society? Or is it so they can be a healthy, well-rounded critical thinker with an array of skills and knowledge capable of supporting their community and maintaining a society that isn’t completely focused on capital gains? To change things, we have to begin re-framing things. I’m starting here, hoping every day that the impacts I make on the people around me make some sort of difference. 202 days… Until forever. XXX Excelsior mother fucker.
12/7/25 Faster Than the World Hello, true believers! Welcome to the first blog written exclusively for my new online shenanigan receptacle, jeffersondeathstar.com! It has been a busy, and ever-transformative fall, but things are finally starting to slow down a little for the winter. November was absolutely the pinnacle, and a month of milestones. Though admittedly, every month that’s passed since I’ve been sober has been full of milestones. Firstly, we had the 13th anniversary of my mom’s death. This is always a wildcard for me, emotionally. In the first few years after she left her body behind, I used it as another excuse to get deep in a depression hole, completely obliterate myself, and generally act like an asshole to everyone around me for a couple weeks. This would begin a few months of winter depression and angst that I would always stay thoroughly and heavily medicated for. As I left the bars and started to clean myself up a couple years before the pandemic, I really started to try and be cognizant of these patterns of excusal for self-destruction. Things were generally going much better in my life otherwise, and overall, I was hating myself a lot less. So, I began to shift my energy around this time of year towards gratitude for all that I have and for the people in my life that are still alive and caring about me. This has made November 11th so much better and has set me up to handle the winter in much healthier ways. The last couple years, as I’ve flirted with sobriety, I haven’t been able to get past this anniversary. I wouldn’t get trashed or anything, but I leaned HEAVILY into the weed. Then I would get mad at myself for doing it, and for beginning again with the excuse cycle I had built for myself as to why I needed to keep smoking every day. This year though, with a good few months of strong and committed sobriety behind me, I faced down the 11th of November with a level of strength and positivity that I have never had before. I felt the waves of grief still, of course, I let them crash on me for a bit, I floated in the bummer ocean for a little while, but then I did some swimming! I used my gratitude for my family and my life. I used my love for myself and for the many chances I have been given to get my shit together and fix my mistakes. I made it past the (surprisingly few) cravings to smoke or drink or argue and had a great day with family out on the peninsula. This was big for me. The next milestone was the very first Quitting Time show! It was fucking RAD! A bunch of people came out, including a gang of old homies I hadn’t seen in waaaayyyyy too long. As usual with gigs, I didn’t get to spend more than a couple minutes talking to each of these wonderful people, which is a bummer. But sharing the music we’ve been making with them, music that means the absolute world to me, is such a privilege. We played really well, and all had a fucking blast during our set. I can’t gush enough about how stoked I am to work with these dudes. Seriously, super talented musicians, and just the best people. Another major support for me as I move deeper into sobriety and the new era of creativity that I’m just beginning. Trash Sound Conglomerate was fucking rad, Kids On Fire was fucking rad, we collected a TON of food donations for the school pantry, and I only got a little bit overstimulated and panicky-in-my-brain for a minute or two! Playing music with other people, with full clarity of mind is indescribable. I know I’ve done it before, but those occasions were few and far between as a kid starting out, then completely non-existent through my late 20’s my early 30’s. Ultimately, this general clarity that I bring to EVERY part of my life now is indescribable. That’s why everything feels like a milestone. Every conversation with people, every time I help teach my kids, or one of my students, every laugh I share with Skip, every quiet moment I have with myself, and every loud noise I make with the band feels new and bright. I don’t want this to ever wear off. I will not let it become mundane or take it for granted. I an effort to further bask in the glow of reality, I also burnt my socials in November. You can read more about why in my last blog below, if you’d like. I will say here, it has certainly been an adjustment, and one that I don’t think I’ve really experienced the full effects of yet. I definitely worry about missing major things happening in my friends’ lives. I am a little bummed I won’t have easy access to seeing my friends’ kids grow up, and I will no doubt get supremely frustrated to miss announcements about gigs I would’ve loved to attend. But I keep reminding myself, I did this to encourage myself to reach out to these friends more personally. I did this to help myself to live a fully real life, where I regularly engage with other people and where I stop spending so much time staring at a small screen. Or scrolling through clickbait, memes, exercise fads, thirst traps, and advertisements. I did this to feel less like a mindless consumer. I thiiink it’s working?? It’s hard to tell though when the whole world is designed to service this power structure and algorithm. I’ll keep ya’ll posted. As for website updates, I’ll be keeping the first round of links posted on the links page up through December. Head over there and check them out! Each one (band, business, and org) mean a lot to me, and I think they are all worth your time to investigate. Then head over to the contact page and sign up for the newsletter, if you haven’t! I’ll be announcing monthly blogs and new links on it, but I’m also going to try posting regularly more short writing, lyrics, poems, gig announcements and such. If you’d like to stay caught up with all that, the newsletter will be the best way to hear about it. Otherwise, feel free to email or call/text me anytime! Let’s keep in touch better. If we’re going to survive late-stage capitalism and the fascists it is supporting, we’re going to need each other. 153 days (FIVE MONTHS)!!... Until forever. XXX Excelsior mother fucker.
*Gig photos by Kyle Latham
10/19/25 Moving Forward The end of the summer was a blur. Road-doggin’ for the tour with the kids was great, if ultimately bittersweet, as Eamon decided to leave the band when we got home. Despite it being really successful for a first tour (every show was well-attended and well-moshed, they sold a ton of merch, made a bunch of new fans, and the kids got along fairly solidly the whole time), other issues had been compounding for them long before the trip. Ultimately their departure led to the band deciding to call it quits entirely. RIP Crime Scene Photos. As always though, Eamon is a powerhouse RIFFER, and already writing new tuff jams with the homies. I remain stoked to see what they do next. I'll definitely keep y'all posted on that front. On a personal level, the tour was amazingly therapeutic and well-timed. Firstly, It was an awesome bonding experience for me and my kid. I got to share a whole bunch of knowledge that I have gleaned through my years of playing in bands and touring. They sat shotgun with me the whole time and we laughed a ton, cried a little, and shared a bunch of music with each other. Secondly, This was the first tour I've ever done sober, which felt like a huge triumph. It helped that most of the gigs were all-ages, but even if there had been booze around, and even if I hadn't had to be driving a million miles a night, I honestly still wouldn't have felt the desire to drink/smoke/numb myself in any way the whole time. In truth, beyond the first month or so of being sober, I haven't felt that desire more than a handful of times. Which feels weird in and of itself. After 30 years of believing that I needed that crutch to keep myself from being an anxious and angry mess, I know now that it isn't true. In fact, I know with absolute certainty that I don't ever want to feel that numb ever again. I threw too many years of my life, too much energy, and way too many dollars into that void, thinking it was all helping me stay afloat, when actually it was keeping me at the bottom. Would I be as successful in this if I hadn't already spent the last few years making other big lifestyle changes? I don't think so. It's been a series of big and little steps, shedding various addictions and ill behavior patterns over the last 6 years. This comfortable clarity I've finally reached has only been possible through the support of my family, the new routines I've built for myself around diet and exercise, around continued learning, and around making music with friends again. I am doing a great deal of emotional and spiritual work as well, trying to find a new comfortable relationship with my own consciousness that exists behind all the outward expressions of life experience and trauma that I have had. That spiritual work, connecting with people (in real life) through music again, and my exhaustion with the carefully curated and capitalistic feedback loops that social media presents has all led me to my next step. Now I'm making decisions about the digital version of myself and my life that I've been sharing since the dawn of said platforms. It's beyond time to let go of that addiction as well. So I'm out. November 22nd is the burn date. My new band, (which is, for so many reasons, very appropriately named) Quitting Time, is playing our first show on November 21st at The Kraken. I'll be banging the IG and FB drums about it until then, while also beginning to embrace new/old ways of connecting with folks that don't involve social media. To that end, my website jeffersondeathstar.com will go live at the beginning of November. It's got links to all the music projects I've been involved in over the years (archives of older stuff coming soon), current band stuff will be added as we create it, and since I will also be doing more writing, I'm moving my blog over there too. I'm even going to start posting some of my silly poems and lyrics up there. As far as contact goes, there will be a mailing list component on the page for people who want to get updates on shows and new blogs and stuff sent right to their inbox. Ultimately though, I believe this move will encourage me to be more present in the real world, at shows as often as I can be, and more available to connect with via call/text/email/irl hangs/etc. Making connection with friends a higher priority for myself feels like it's going to be crucial as I move further into sobriety. Especially as I get into the fall and winter, both tough, dark, frequently depressive seasons for me, and so many folks I know. So please do not hesitate to reach out to me. Let's hang out and drink some sodas or something! Let's get dinner or go bowling sometime! Obviously, time always feels slim for all of us. I want to try and reframe how I view time though, no longer taking a scarcity approach to it. Or stressing about how much stuff I have to complete every day. Instead, I'm trying to remember the true value of all the stuff I have to do, and why it's important that I make time for all those things. Most especially the time I spend on activities that nourish my spirit. At the very least, let's just talk. Let's keep in touch. Tell me about the stuff you're up to. Tell me if you have a gig coming up, or know of other cool gigs coming up. Quitting Time may end up with a social media presence, but I won't be the one running it. I'll be maintaining a website for the band eventually. We're going to record in the new year, so we'll have a Bandcamp page up soon, and physical media to share with y'all as well. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for us! I'll probably be coming through your gig with handbills soon. I've still got a lot of work to do on myself, but I've never been in a more dedicated position to do so. I'm stoked for the way forward, and I’m stoked to see you! 105 days… Until forever XXX Excelsior mother fucker ❤️
8/19/25 I met with a physical therapist this week and he cleared me to start adding weights back into my workouts, so as I bring “Cardio summer” to a close, I thought I'd go out with a bang and do another 10 miles the long way around Lake Stevens. It went great! I shaved a few minutes off of my last time, and I don't feel like I'm going to die afterwards! This was the goal I had made for myself for the summer and I've met it twice now. Next week I go on tour with my kid's band and will be doing minimal burpee/squat breaks at all the rest stops and gas stations along the coast, so meeting my goal again was a great way to cap off the summer. It also has been a great time to think. Recently I've been ruminating on resistance, acceptance, and where I fit into nature/humanity, or just my general pace and place in the flow of the cosmos. I've gotten to do a couple acupuncture sessions to heal my body after my mosh pit accident (stage diver to the head 😬 tore my dang trapezius), and to help find some kind of new alignment within myself after years of relying on substances. I've also been reading a lot about mindfulness and meditation in an attempt to calm my ridiculous, shenanigan-filled brain. The readings have been cool! A lot of the ideas I'm touching have been things I've read about before from various Buddhist Punx authors like Noah Levine. However, I think when I read them before I wasn't really ready to understand and accept what I was being given. I have had periods in my life where I would read stuff like this and tell myself and the world that I was at peace, or in some kind of enlightened state, while simultaneously chain-smoking cigarettes and nursing a big ol’ malt liquor. More related to lifestyle and philosophy than spirituality, there have also been times where I put the messenger above the message, making heroes out people who ended up being shitty. Or out of people who were straight-up telling me “I'm not a fucking hero, be your own hero!” And I'd be like “oh yeah yeah for sure!” but then secretly worshipping these flawed people. This happened a lot in my younger years. I didn't have a connection to my dad, so I sought that connection out in other older folks, my friend's shitty big brothers, or the cool kids in the scene. This would go on well into my 20’s, even after I started having my own kids (way too young), before I eventually became somewhat secretly nihilistic for some years, mostly apolitical, and largely focused on my own life/band/depression/unhappy marriage etc. I digress. During my run today, reflecting on where I fit in my world/community these days, more in a support role than anything, I thought about a conversation I had with someone who I had thought was hella cool when I was a kid. Maybe I thought he was cool because he was one of the first people in the larger Seattle scene to bring me around and introduce me to other punks and skins when I was 14? We were definitely the same age, but maybe I looked up to him a little because he was such a fuckin rascal and I was also an aspiring rascal? I don't know. In any case, pretty shortly after high school, dude joined the military and went to Afghanistan for some years. When we were maybe 21 or 22 he came back, really leaning heavily into that role. While this was ultimately unsurprising, it was jarring. On catching up over breakfast at Beth's, this dude was trying to tell me I was wasting my time playing music and still being a punk. He said something like “it's too fucking hard to live against stuff your whole life.” This statement stuck with me hard. I've even written about it in songs before at different points in my life. Both as a reason to fight harder, or on the other side, as a reason to say “fuck it dude, let's go bowling.” Obviously I've come back around to fighting harder, and continuing to push back against oppressive forces, both in the world around me and within myself. But as I was running and thinking today, with all the reading I've been doing about “going with the flow,” it seemed like my fighting harder could be at odds with this peaceful one-ness with nature I'm trying to find. How do I square this? Something doesn't add up, old punk Buddhist gurus! Then it hit me. The resistance we put forth as a community of punks or of activists, resistance toward hate and fascism, resistance to oppression, IS going with the flow of nature!! The people who are really acting against nature and against peaceful and balanced existence are the oppressors!! The fascists, the nay-sayers, and (to a lesser degree, but still) the people who have their eyes closed to the reality of life in our capitalist, stolen America. Does this mean I should view these people as my enemy??? No. And that is a hard pill to swallow. It's absolutely easier for me to sit with that for sure, being born with the face and body of the oppressors. Or having received privilege because of my identity. I have not experienced what it feels like to be marginalized because of my gender, sexual identity, or my race. My experience with marginalization is limited to class and financial standing, and to a lesser but still impactful degree, being a fat kid for most of my life. These experiences however, have combined with a larger internal battle that I've fought within myself. My whole life trying to find a place between the hyper-masculine expectations of boys in our culture being at odds with my generally super sensitive nature (I'm not claiming to be an empath or anything so don't get it twisted, I can still be quite emotionally dense lol). Ultimately, my experiences have indeed strengthened my ability and desire to seek other’s perspectives. This is what truly kept me coming back to punk music and to shows. Beyond the fashion, beyond the parties, or the nihilistic drug experiences, or the attention seeking, or the self aggrandizing business side of being in bands. It is the community that always brings me back. It is the exchange of energy between the band and the crowd. It is the loud, therapeutic release and the processing of all the negativity that the sleeping world throws at us for being who we truly are. Can it be problematic? Absolutely. Is it flawed? One hundred percent. But the ethics I have gained from my years in the scene have shaped who I am today. All the positive and all the negative experiences have shaped who I am. If I can look at someone who is supporting fascism and try to find their humanity, see them not simply as an enemy, or just a part of the oppressive machine we've been forced into, but as another human being, I can try to appeal to the heart that they possess. Maybe I can change someone's mind? Shit is terrifying right now, most especially for immigrants, people of color, women and LGBTQ+ folks (sooooo almost everyone? Woof). I do not believe we should silently accept the yoke of fascism, just waiting for a time when “the Democrats are back in power and everything is normal again.” Because really they're just as fucked up as all the other politicians. I do believe we should be learning how to protect ourselves, and how to fight back (both politically, and physically). I do believe that we should be striving for a world without reliance on the poisonous “comforts” that capitalist imperialism has “gifted” us. I know that peaceful conversation will not solve every conflict that is coming. But I know that as we move through this world on the edge, we need to start finding and connecting with the humanity in everyone around us, widening the perspective of the people who have been taught to keep their perspectives so narrow. Show them who we are. Go with the flow. AND resist. 42 days sober. Excelsior mother fucker. ❤️
8/7/25 Every day I am reminded of the unforgiving nature that poor people in this country are treated to. Every day we work hard and struggle to just get by and survive, because I wasn't born into great wealth, couldn't afford college, or to buy a home at the right time. The pandemic super fucked us, right after a big upheaval and collapse of a larger chosen-family housing situation we were working on. Despite staying with family the last few years (which is absolutely a privilege that some do not have), and making the most money I've ever made working any job, we are still always broke and always left feeling trapped by circumstance. It's fucking exhausting. Today I had an encounter that triggered some deep, old hurt from a lifetime ago and slapped me in the face HARD with the reality of how unforgiving our system is. Some past financial mistakes came back to bite me in the ass. Mistakes that I made when I was in the depths of depression and addictions I developed in the wake of my mom's suicide and my divorce. In the grand scheme of debts, it's not even really that huge of a number (though it is still too big to contend with at the moment) nor is it super critical that it's dealt with immediately. It was just the way that I was treated and spoken to by other human beings that hurt the most. As if this debt that I carry is a statement on what kind of person I am. As if I am irresponsible garbage for still being unable to fix this problem that I was unable to fix 10 years ago. And it reminded me of when I thought of myself as garbage. It reminded me of everything I was trying to run from with my behavior through the first half of my 30’s. And everything I've been self-medicating for with “less harmful substances” since then, or before then. And all the guilt for all the mistakes I've made. Guilt that I still hold onto in the back of my consciousness, that I tell myself I've forgiven myself for, but maybe really haven't. And all the guilt that I hold onto for taking up too much space in relationships and community, or acting/reacting selfishly, or being defensive. All of these things came flooding forward and left me sobbing in the parking lot of the bank. Talking on the phone with Skip after it happened, she helped me recognize that maybe this is part of the sobriety process. Maybe this is some of that paying-old-debts-and-making-amends action you hear so much about from folks working the steps. It's probably valuable that I touch these places again within myself, that I work more on actual forgiveness for all this shit, instead of continuing to numb it and shut it up like I used to. She also reminded me that these people in banks and credit companies are representatives for bigger, faceless monsters that are trained to deal with people in the way I was dealt with. They also deal with people all day, and their patience for people's requests for clemency and debt forgiveness may be impacted by some people's negative attitudes towards them, as representatives of these faceless monsters. It likely wasn't personal, no matter how personal it felt. I walked away from this afternoon with a couple realizations. One is, as someone who works for a public school district, it can be easy to fall into the role they want you to play. The role of the cog, creating other little cogs that will one day service the productive capitalist design, propping up some faceless corporation that truly only benefits a handful of wealthy elite, able to sleep at night with the knowledge that they’ve fed their own children and they're just getting by. I have to remember why I'm really in the position that I am in. That is to help kids get through this system (especially kids who this system was not designed to serve) while trying to instill a joy for learning, offering the knowledge to help them safely navigate the world, and the critical thinking skills to fight back against faceless oppression in their own ways. I will always remember to treat every kid, and every family with respect, and offer all the support and love that I can, remaining as judgement free as possible, because I do not know where everyone is coming from all the time. The other realization was that I still have a lot of work to do to let go of the guilt I feel, and the negative ways that I think about myself sometimes. I deserve forgiveness. And I am stronger than the world ever showed me I could be when I was coming up. 31 days sober. Excelsior mother fucker.
